Baad Movie Digest, Volume One

Oh my. It's a plot summary of the Turkish Star Wars.

. . . My next best guess is that they’re hit by lasers since they both fall down when a man in armor shows up. Turkish special effects are not what you’d call an exact art, and here the picture is severely scratched up, which I think indicates a failed attempt at scratching a laser-like beam onto the film itself. They’re captured and taken to a cruel gladiator arena where Darth Vader’s water cooler robot proves its evilness by swinging a screaming child around by its neck. Luke and Han watch for what seriously has to be three solid minutes of noisy kid dangling before they start another karate fight. Darth Vader comes out of a cave, and as soon as he does, most of the rest of the scene is viewed through the eyeholes of his helmet, including shots of Darth Vader himself. This could have been another massively insane mistake by the Turkish production crew, but I like to think it was a profound metaphor about how karate fights make Darth Vader take a careful look at himself, through the evil-shaped helmet eyeholes in his mind.

They’re cut up and captured by Darth Vader, and immediately escape to a cave with Princess Leia and 40 or 50 children. Now, judging by the romantic dialogue in Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, it’s clear that George Lucas has never even heard of anyone who knows a woman. The makers of Star Wars: Dunyayi Kurturan Adam avoid that kind of embarrassment by eliminating all dialogue from their romance. Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia’s relationship is reduced to 40 awkward seconds of the two of them giving each other shy smiles three feet away.

Their romance is cut short by an army of toilet-papered cave mummies and giant multi-colored cookie monsters. Luke, Han, and Leia fight for a little bit then grab one child and run away, leaving the rest of the kids at the mercy of Turkish Chewbacca, a huge armored gorilla with paper clips dangling on tinsel from its fingertips. And while I was waiting for Luke and Han to come back and karate it from behind, it kills the hell out of every last kid. Emphasizing the horrors of space gorillas, the movie pauses on a slow panning shot of the pile of child corpses, which is only slightly ruined by Turkish child actors’ inability to sit still when they’re pretending to be dead. Soon their bodies are transformed by Darth Vader into toilet paper mummies through a ritual so dark and mysterious they don’t bother to show it.

This and much, much more!